I stand before you a broken man. Honestly, I don’t know what I was expecting. I knew this was an awful idea walking in to the theater. But I suppose there’s always that hope that something will go right, or least mediocore-ly. But The Prince of Persia: The Sands Of Time couldn’t even deliver something sub-par. It had to go as low as it possibly could. Of course this was going to happen. Who was I trying to fool? Why, it was this film’s destiny to fail so horribly!

There’s really no point in taking a ‘What’s wrong with this’ approach as, frankly, not a thing is ‘right’ about it. Plus, in the interest of maintaining a more constructive rather than opinionated criticism (Though, this film has made me understand why some find this so hard), let me try and contextualize my complaints into something more useful.

If you’ve followed this blog recently, you may have noticed that I have big problems with video game adaptations. I haven’t found one that strikes me as both a good adaptation and a good movie. For me, Silent Hill is the closest thing we have to decency. There are literally hundreds of reasons why this is the case. Prince of Persia serves as a textbook example of these flaws.

As an adaptation, the movie doesn’t serve the game terribly. We start off amidst a raid where the Prince discovers a dagger. He soon learns that this is more than just a tool for killing; it possesses the ability to turn back time! So it’s up to him to keep the dagger out of the hands of his evil uncle, corrupted brothers (Oh, by the way, he’s adopted), and ostrich-racing tax-evading tribes of Persians…. Okay, it’s really not a good adaptation at all really. We have a dagger that turns back time, and a lot of sand. But otherwise, the artistic liberties taken with the film aren’t really for the best. Most of the plot additions are played for action, rather than substance. As a result, we’re left amidst a mess of ‘fun’ moments that don’t really make a whole lot of sense. But hey, isn’t that what video games are like? You save the world, but stop along the way to get chased by ostriches!

This is a major issue with the mentality associated with video games. From an outside prospective, video games can be weirdly tangential. Imagine trying to make a movie based on The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and trying to figure out a way to make sense of goat wrangling. However, these are the things that directors and writers see and think gamers want to see. If the play experience is full of these strange action tangents, the movies should be too. And this is where Prince of Persia suffers. The whole film is about the Prince trying to protect the dagger. But so much absurd action happens in between that carries no weight on the plot. This is achievable in a 10-15 hour video game. But a movie is a more concise medium. You only have between 90 and 180 minutes to make a story. There’s no time for tangents. If it’s not building character or adding to the plot, it’s often dead weight. That’s exactly how this film feels; It’s a speedy motor boat tied to a massive anchor. It should take 20 minutes to get from point A to point B, but we’re dragged along for an unnecessarily long ride because someone was too inept to realize what was happening.

Of course, there are countless flaws at play here: breakneck pacing, incomprehensible editing, meaningless cinematography, stale acting (A video game movie staple!), inane writing, and so on. But the issue really lies mainly in the general execution. It doesn’t feel like the filmmakers set out to make a film. It feels like they tried to make a video game. The film is filled with needless parkour action that rarely advances anything. But there’s already a medium that achieves this better than film… video games. So instead of creating a fun, satisfying experience, the result is the equivalent to an amusement park ride, and a pretty lame one at that. You spend some money, get some cheap thrills, and walk out the same place you entered. You’ve gained nothing from the experience, and you’re left wondering “So what else is in this park?”