Life of Brian is my favorite comedy! The entire script should be wrote here…
Brian: I’m not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, fuck off!
[silence]
Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
(By way of oblique response to Carlos):
“It’s not tipping I believe in. It’s overtipping. Because sometimes, you’re just not gonna pay.” – My Blue Heaven
Midnight Run:
Jack Walsh: I never took a payoff in my life and I’m not gonna start with someone like you.
Jonathan Mardukas: Why not?
Jack Walsh: Because you’re a fucking criminal and you deserve to go where you’re going and I’m gonna take you there and if hear any more shit outta you: I’m gonna fucking bust your head and I’ll put you back in that fucking hole and I’m gonna stick your head in the fucking toilet bowl and I’m gonna make it stay there.
Ex-Leper: Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
Brian: Did you say “ex-leper”?
Ex-Leper: That’s right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
Brian: Well, what happened?
Ex-Leper: Oh, cured, sir.
Brian: Cured?
Ex-Leper: Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
Brian: Who cured you?
Ex-Leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I’m a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood’s gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! “You’re cured, mate.” Bloody do-gooder.
Brian: Well, why don’t you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
Ex-Leper: Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
Matthias: Look, I don’t think it should be a sin, just for saying “Jehovah”.
[Everyone gasps]
Jewish Official: You’re only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official: I’m warning you! If you say “Jehovah” one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official: Was it you?
Stoner: Yes.
Jewish Official: Right…
Stoner: Well you did say "Jehovah. "
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Even… and I want to make this absolutely clear… even if they do say, "Jehovah. "
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]
You know, you come from nothing, you’re going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!
Sometimes you’ve just gotta say “What the Fuck?”
Risky Business
Porsche. There is no substitute.
Ha Ha Ha… Man I don’t know why that movie is so stuck in my head.
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Tuco reading a note- “See you soon id…id…id…”
Clint – “Idiots. It’s for you.”
“When you have to shoot, shoot don’t talk.” – Tuco
Monty Python and the holy Grail – Possibly the most quotable movie of all time
“Go away or I shall taunt you a second time”
Peasant- She turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere – A newt?
Peasant – … I got better.
“You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.”
“Don’t like her? What’s wrong with her? She’s beautiful, she’s rich, she’s got huge… tracts of land.”
“He’s got huge, sharp… er… He can leap about. Look at the bones!”
-Tim
“So you’re telling me it was one guy with six guns, and he was a senior frigging citizen?”
- Boondocks (Willy Defoe)
“Leave the gun…take the cannolli.”
Clemenza in Godfather
“I find your lack of faith…disturbing.” (force choke, bitch)
Army of Darkness
“Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the gun.”
“It’s a trick. Get an axe.”
“Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick!”
Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby, that’s all.
Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me baby… Just me.
‘’We gonna need a bigger boat.’’
- Jaws
“Eight year olds dude.”
-The Big Lebowski.
Once Upon a Time in the West
When they first meet:
Cheyenne: Did you make coffee?
Jill: …
C: Make it.
When they meet for the last time:
C: Did you make coffee?
J: This time I did.
More from the same movie:
Morton: Not bad. Congratulations. Tell me, was it necessary that you kill all of them? I only told you to scare them.
Frank: People scare better when they’re dying.
Frank: You paid five thousand dollars for something that belongs to me!
[puts down a bunch of dollar bills]
Frank: Five thousand…
[pulls out a silver dollar]
Frank: Plus one!
[puts the dollar on the table]
Frank: You got a right to make a profit too.
Jill: If you want to, you can lay me over the table and amuse yourself. And even call in your men. Well. No woman ever died from that. When you’re finished, all I’ll need will be a tub of boiling water, and I’ll be exactly what I was before – with just another filthy memory.
Cheyenne: [sighs] You make good coffee, at least?
Frank: How can you trust a man who wears both a belt and suspenders? The man can’t even trust his own pants.
Cheyenne: [to Jill] You know what? If I was you, I’d go down there and give those boys a drink. You can’t imagine how happy it makes a man to see a woman like you. Just to look at her. And if one of them should pat your behind, just make believe it’s nothing. They earned it.
Harmonica [after basically kicking the guy’s ass]: You know, Wobbles… I’m kinda mad a you.
Cheyenne: Do you know anything about a guy going around playing the harmonica? He’s someone you’d remember. Instead of talking, he plays. And when he better play, he talks.
It’s pick your poison with that movie.
From Wild Strawberries:
Isak: Miss Agda, you can go with me in the car or take the airplane—that’s up to you.
Agda: For an entire year I’ve been looking forward to being present at the ceremony when you become an Honorary Doctor, and everything was perfectly organized. Now you come and tell me that you’re going to drive down instead of going by plane.
Isak: The presentation is not until five o’clock, and if I leave at once I’ll have fourteen hours in which to get there.
Agda: Everything will be ruined that way. Your son will be waiting at Malmö airport. What will he say?
Isak: You can make some explanation. Miss Agda.
Agda: If you take the car, I won’t be with you at the ceremony.
Isak: Now listen. Miss Agda.
Agda: Go on, take the car and drive there and destroy the most solemn day of my life . . .
Isak: We are not married. Miss Agda.
Agda: I thank God every night that we’re not. For seventy-four years I have acted according to my own principles, and they won’t fail me today.
Isak: Is that your last word on this matter. Miss Agda?
Agda: That is my last word. But I’ll be saying a lot to myself about mean old gentlemen who think only of themselves and never about the feelings of others who have served them faithfully for forty years.
Isak: I really don’t know how I’ve been able to stand your immense hunger for power all these years.
Agda: Just tell me and it can be ended tomorrow.
Isak: Anyway, I’m going to drive, and you may do whatever the hell you want to. I’m a grown man and I don’t have to put up with your bossiness.
Isak: [Trying awkwardly to complement Agda] There is no one who can pack like Miss Agda.
Agda: Is that so.
Isak: Old sourpuss.
Isak: [under his breath, while preparing for his journey] Honorary Doctor! They might as well appoint me Honorary Idiot.
Isak: [talking about his late wife in the latter dream sequence] Where is she?
Alman: You know. She is gone. Everyone is gone. Can’t you hear how quiet it is? Everything has been dissected, Professor Borg. A surgical masterpiece. There is no pain, no bleeding, no quivering.
Isak: It is rather quiet.
Alman: A perfect achievement of its kind, Professor.
Isak: And what is the penalty?
Alman: Penalty? I don’t know. The usual one, I suppose.
Isak: The usual one?
Alman: Of course. Loneliness.
Isak: Loneliness?
Alman: Exactly. Loneliness.
Sara: Good-bye, father Isak. Can’t you see you’re the one I love? Today, tomorrow and forever.
Isak Borg: I’ll keep that in mind.
Bergman is truly a master of dialogue, and many of his films are filled with classic lines.
‘’….Mummy doesn’t feel very well tonight ! ’’
- Antony Perkins (as Norman Bates),
Psycho by Alfred Hitchcock, 1960
,,,and that was it did for sure !
GOODFELLA’S
Henry Hill:You’re a pistol, you’re really funny. You’re really funny.
Tommy DeVito: What do you mean I’m funny?
Henry Hill: It’s funny, you know. It’s a good story, it’s funny, you’re a funny guy.
Tommy DeVito: what do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
Henry Hill: It’s just, you know. You’re just funny, it’s… funny, the way you tell the story and everything.
Tommy DeVito:Funny how? What’s funny about it?
Anthony Stabile: Tommy no, You got it all wrong.
Tommy DeVito: Oh, oh, Anthony. He’s a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how?
Henry Hill: Jus…
Tommy DeVito: What?
Henry Hill: Just… ya know… you’re funny.
Tommy DeVito: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Henry Hill: Just… you know, how you tell the story, what?
Tommy DeVito: No, no, I don’t know, you said it. How do I know? You said I’m funny. How the fuck am I funny, what the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what’s funny!
Henry Hill: [long pause] Get the fuck out of here, Tommy!
Tommy DeVito: Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Henry. You may fold under questioning.
’’- Do you believe in God ?
- Listen, mate ! I am not sure if God exists …but I can assure you that This is not me ! ’’
Smoke (Wayne Wang and Paul Auster), USA, 1995
Monster (2003). Bleak and true.
Will You wanna call me “Daddy” while I fuck you, huh?
Aileen I’ll try. Why? You like to fuck your kids?
La Haine (1995). Also bleak and also true.
Hubert Bullshit! You pointed a gun at a cop! We could have been killed!
(an old man flushes the toilet and walks out of the stall)
Old Man Nothing like a good shit! Do you believe in God? That’s the wrong question. Does God believe in us? I once had a friend called Grunwalski. We were sent to Siberia together. When you go to a Siberian work camp, you travel in a cattle car. You roll across icy steppes for days, without seeing a soul. You huddle to keep warm. But it’s hard to relieve yourself, to take a shit, you can’t do it on the train, and the only time the train stops is to take on water for the locomotive. But Grunwalski was shy, even when we bathed together, he got upset. I used to kid him about it. So, the train stops and everyone jumps out to shit on the tracks. I teased Grunwalski so much, that he went off on his own. The train starts moving, so everyone jumps on, but it waits for nobody. Grunwalski had a problem: he’d gone behind a bush, and was still shitting. So I see him come out from behind the bush, holding up his pants with his hands. He tries to catch up. I hold out my hand, but each time he reaches for it he lets go of his pants and they drop to his ankles. He pulls them up, starts running again, but they fall back down, when he reaches for me.
Hubert Then what happened?
Old Man Nothing. Grunwalksi froze to death. Good day.
T – that part was absurd. And somehow still made perfect sense. Love it how, when the scene ends and the boys get out of the loo, a younger man flushes and opens his door, terrified. Only then do we remember that hey, it would’ve probably been pretty scary to be taking a shit and hear the things they said…
Yeah, Tuomas. I love that film. It’s a strange moment that breaks the flow: and yet it’s so well placed, it allows the tension to rebuild to a new pitch of desperation.
I don’t fuck for money, I do it for fun.
Shampoo
“You talking to me? You talking to me? Who the fuck do you think your talking to?”
Travis Bickle (De Niro) Taxi Driver
WALTER: “Is this yours, Larry? Is this your home work Larry?” …
WALTER: “YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY! … THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU F*#K A STRANGER IN THE ASS!”
Someone has to do it: Classic Woody Allen lines about masturbation:
From: Hannah and Her Sisters:
MICKEY
Yeah, well, I would be the father … You would just have to masturbate into a little cup.
NORMAN
I can handle that.
…
HANNAH
Could you have ruined yourself somehow?
MICKEY
How could I ruin myself? What do you mean, ruin myself?
HANNAH
I don’t know. Excessive masturbation?
MICKEY
Hey, you gonna start knocking my hobbies? Jesus!
…
From Annie Hall:
ANNIE
“Existential Motifs in Russian Literature”! You’re really close.
ALVY
What’s the difference? It’s all mental masturbation.
ANNIE
Oh, well, now we’re finally getting to a subject you know something about!
ALVY
Hey, don’t knock masturbation! It’s sex with someone I love.
Max von Sydow’s Frederick is one of my all time favourite Allen scripted characters. From Hannah and Her Sisters
FREDERICK:
“It’s been ages since I sat in front of the TV… just changing channels to find something. You see the whole culture … Nazis, deodorant salesman, wrestlers…beauty contests, the talk show … Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? Hmm? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers…third- rate con men, telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak for Jesus … and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back, and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”
FREDERICK:
“I’m going through a period of my life where I just can’t be around people … I didn’t want to wind up abusing anyone.”
LEE
Frederick’s done this whole new series that I’m sure you would really love.
DUSTY
Well, are…are they big?
LEE
Yeah. Some of them…yeah, some of them are very big.
DUSTY
’Cause I got a lot of wall space there.
FREDERICK
I don’t sell my work by the yard!
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels -
Winston: Charles, why have we got that cage?
Charles: Uh, security.
Winston: That’s right, that’s right, security. So what’s the point in having it if we’re not goin’ fucking use it?
Charles: Well, I would’ve used it but this is Willie and Willie lives here.
Winston: Yes, but you didn’t know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?
Willie: Chill, Winston, it’s me. Charlie knows it’s me. What’s the problem?
Winston: The problem, Willie, is that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep the fucking cage locked! What is that?
Willie: That’s Gloria.
Winston: Yes I know that’s Gloria, what’s that?
Willie: Fertilizer.
Winston: You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
Willie: We need fertilizer Winston.
Winston: Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money’s got to be out by Thursday, I’m buggered if I’m gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer you could be a bit more subtle.
Willie: What do you mean?
Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you’re carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don’t look like your average horti-fucking- culturalist! That’s what I mean Willie.
George: How many numbers you got?
Erin Brockovich: Oh, I got numbers comin’ outta my ears. For instance: ten.
George: Ten?
Erin Brockovich: Yeah. That’s how many months old my baby girl is.
George: You got a little girl?
Erin Brockovich: Yeah. Yeah, sexy, huh? How ‘bout this for a number? Six. That’s how old my other daughter is, eight is the age of my son, two is how many times I’ve been married – and divorced; sixteen is the number of dollars I have in my bank account. 850-3943. That’s my phone number, and with all the numbers I gave you, I’m guessing zero is the number of times you’re gonna call it.
Erin Brockovich
tatarka
Brian: You’re all individuals!
Crowd: Yes! We’re all individuals!
Brian: You’re all different!
Crowd: Yes! We’re all different!
Man: I’m not…
Monty Python’s Life of Brian