When you’re from the country ~ your perception is a little bit different.
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours’ farmhouse in his Holden ute,
and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
“Is your Dad home?” said the farmer.
“No mate, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No mate, he went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other,and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you
want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad
It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant”.
The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I
know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how
much he charges! for Howard.”
A misplaced exclamation point ruined your punchline.
Here’s one told by Norwegians:
What happens when you have a power outage in Stockholm?
You get tens of thousands of Swedes stuck on escalators.
Good one VIC! I could imagine Roy Andersson take a shot on that, for his famous commercials!
Why do firemen wear suspenders?
To keep their pants up.
You botched the feed line on that one, Ben. It’s “Why do firemen wear RED suspenders?”
(What is this, the “critique a joke” thread?)
what happened 2 the mad vampire?
he went a little batty :O)
Why was the pet owner happy when his cat ate his wallet?
’Cause he had money in the kitty.
How can you tell a Swede has been making chocolate chip cookies?
By the M&M shells all over the floor.
Perhaps the best joke ever: See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum and one night, one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn’t dare make the leap. Y’see, y’see, he’s afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea… He says “Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!” B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He says, he says “Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!”
Roscoe, I got a laugh out of your Swede joke. Thank you.
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it is ruining his relationship.
Nothing beats anti-humor.
That one will never get old :)
Two goats in a junkyard chew on a reel of film.
One goat says to the other: ‘I liked the book better.’
A man was lying in the cinema, he was sprawled out over 3 seats. The custodian came over and told him to move. The guy mumbled, but didn’t answer, so the custodian went and got the manager. The manager said to the man, “Sir, if you won’t move, I’ll call the police to have you removed.” The guy mumbled, but didn’t answer. So the manager called the police and a cop came over. The cop said to the man, “Hey, mister. What’s your name?” The man said, ”Pete.” The cop asked,”And where are you from, Pete?” He said, “The balcony.”
a popular joke
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” exclaims Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?” “Watson, you idiot!” he exclaims, “Somebody’s stolen our tent!”
a joke for fans of minimalism, off-screen space
What’s brown and sticky?
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”
lol. very nice kenji.
A woman is sitting at home one day when she gets a call.
“The viper is coming.”
“Who is this?”Click
She uneasily sets the phone down and returns to her magazine.
Fifteen minutes later she gets another call.
“The viper is coming soon.”
“WHO IS THIS?”Click
Now she’s a little more uneasy and seriously considers calling the police. Then, again, she gets a call.
“The viper is almost there!”
Knock knock knock She is frozen until the phone emits its dial tone. Hesitantly, holding the phone receiver above her head like a weapon, she opens the door. On the welcome mat is standing a small German with some soap and scrubs.
“The viper is here! I have come to vash and vipe the vindows!”
hahaha,polaris,that was a great one!!!!!!!!!!!!!XDhahahahahahahaha
Two elderly couples are relaxing one afternoon. The wives are preparing tea in the kitchen, while the husbands are talking out in the living room.
“The wife and I went to a great new restaurant last night,” says one of the men. “The food was excellent, the service was terrific, and it didn’t break the bank. I highly recommend it.”
“That sounds great,” says the other old man. “What’s the restaurant’s name?”
“Oh jeez, my memory isn’t what it used to be . . . what’s the name of that flower, you know the one with thorns?”
“Yeah, that’s right, rose.” He turns toward the kitchen and yells out: “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Christ has been crucified. Kneeling at the cross are assorted disciples, including St. Peter. Peter suddenly hears this tiny muffled voice coming from Christ.
Peter says, “Yes, oh, Lord?”
Peter says, “Yes, oh my Lord?”
“Peter… I can see your house from here…”
An old man decides, on the night of his 60th anniversary to the woman whose been in his life for the significant proportion of it, that he’s going to get her something special. So he goes to the mall in hunt of a new nightgown.
He enters the shop and the clerk asks him what he’s looking for. “I want a nightgown, and since my wife of 60 years is such a beautiful woman, I want it sheer.”
“Sheer?” the clerk sez.
“Sheer.” sez the old man.
The clerk leads him over to a thin nightgown that is mostly see-through. “Is this alright?” the clerk asks.
“Naw naw naw, sheerer.”
So the bemused clerk leads him over to a nightgown that is almost a thin white film over the mannequin its on.
“This is pretty sheer, sir.”
“Naw naw naw,” sez the old man, "I want it sheerer. "
“Hmmm,” sez the clerk, “sheerer… .hmmm…”
So the clerk walks over to his counter and pulls out a box from under it. Opening it up, at first it looks empty. Then the clerk picks up the nightgown that is so thin, the old man can hardly see it. “I must warn you though,” the clerk sez, “This nightgown is very expensive.”
“PERFECT!” roars the old man.
So that old man goes and he buys this nightgown. He has the clerk wrap it up mighty pretty, and he gives it to his wife in the evening after a romantic night out with dinner, wine, and a dance under the stars.
“Here is your present!” sez the old man, his mouth twitching under his mustache. “Please, go to our room and put it on.”
So the old woman, she goes to the room to put it on but, upon opening the box, is at a loss over what to think! She looks the nightgown over as best she can with her ailing old eyes, and finally decides, “That foolish old man. He wouldn’t even see it on me if I wore it. This material is too delicate to wear anyway. Fine, I’m just going to go naked, see if he even notices the difference!”
So she strips and walks out to the living room where the man is waiting, and even flourishes a few poses. The man stares silently at her as she does so. She gets tired just standing there waiting for a reply, so she finally sez, “WEELLLLL?!”
“WELL!” the old man sez, “You’d think for what I paid for it they’d at least iron the damn thing!”
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Descartes has been drinking at a bar.
The bartender asks " Do you want another drink?"
Descartes replies “I don’t think so.”
After uttering the sentence Descartes vanishes into thin air.
How do you take the “f” out of “way?”
There is no “f” in way
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeves?