Give us a JOKE!
Did you know that nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape?
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Stereotype anxiety.
How many Polish people does it take to change a lightbulb? 1.
How many Microsoft web developers does it take to change a lightbulb? 3. One to check Stackoverflow to find workarounds to make the lightbulb work in IE, one to google the bizarre errors the lightbulb throws, and then one to install Chrome Frame so the lightbulb just works.
A white man, a black man, an asian and a hispanic are on top of a tall mountain. The hispanic says “This is for my people!” and jumps off the mountain, the asian says “This is for my people!” and also jumps off the mountain. The black man says “This is for my people!” grabs the white man and throws him off the mountain.
I told this in a different topic, but I think it’s quite appropriate here too…
Why does Spike Lee call his films “joints”?
Because the only thing they’re good for is being burnt.
One my grandfather who was a carpenter used to tell:
God and the Devil get together and decide to build a bridge between heaven and hell. They agree, heaven will build half the bridge, and hell will build half the bridge.
So the Devil builds his half of the bridge, and waits, and sees God has not built his. So he goes to God and says, why haven’t you built your half of the bridge yet? And he says, “Sorry, we don’t have any contractors up here!”
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’ll hate it as an adult.
(You don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!)
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery…
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay
for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
1.Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
2.Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are flat?
3.Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there
is not enough ?
4.Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
5.Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 million stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
6.Whose idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?
7.What is the speed of darkness?
8.Why is that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up
every 2 hours?
9.If the temperature is zero outside today, & its going to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
10.Do married people live longer than single people or does it only seem longer?
11.How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
12.Why do people pay to go up tall buildings & then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
13.Who was the 1st person to look at a cow & say, I think I’ll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, & drink what ever comes out?
14.Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast into a horrible crisp which no decent human would eat?
15.Why is there a light in the fridge & not in the freezer compartment?
16.Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is ?
17.Why does the Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
18.Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They
are both dogs.
19.If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
20.If corn oil is made of corn, & vegetable oil is made of vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
21.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
22.Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Fuck. I’m answering them.
1.Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Because he’s a real man.
2.Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are flat?
I’m pretty sure we assume that it sends a stronger charge even if that’s not the case.
3.Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there
is not enough ?
Because you’re costing them money. Vicious cycle, I know.
4.Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If they crash in some manner not destructive to the enemy it is a matter of honor to try to survive for another attempt.
5.Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 million stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
It’s not practical to try to count the stars. In the meantime, there are far, far, far FAR more than 4 million stars.
6.Whose idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?
Either a very unaware doctor, or a very funny one.
7.What is the speed of darkness?
Actually, zero. Darkness is space. It just sits there. Anything that moves is more than darkness, including background radiation.
8.Why is that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up
every 2 hours?
Because for those two hours, they’re very peaceful to look at, is where I feel that phrase must have developed.
9.If the temperature is zero outside today, & its going to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Celsius or Fahrenheit? If it’s Kelvin then you’re breaking physics and you should feel bad.
10.Do married people live longer than single people or does it only seem longer?
Actually longer.
11.How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Actually, here’s what’s more mind blowing: we put a man on the moon before we developed the video and visual effects technology to fake it. Grok on that for a bit.
12.Why do people pay to go up tall buildings & then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Birds’ eye view, mothafucka.
13.Who was the 1st person to look at a cow & say, I think I’ll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, & drink what ever comes out?
Probably whomever noticed basic anatomical procedures like babies feed from breast, calves feed from udder, therefore udder food edible.
14.Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast into a horrible crisp which no decent human would eat?
Depends on power source, actually.
15.Why is there a light in the fridge & not in the freezer compartment?
Because midnight snacks come from leftovers and things ready to eat, whereas things from the freezer are theoretically meant to be storage for later prep. In other news, stop eating ice cream at 2am, it’s bad for you.
16.Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is ?
You haven’t lived in a foreign or polyglot country, where even westerners are sometimes forced to point at their bum to get the message across.
17.Why does the Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
Just ‘cause s/he’s there to investigate your twat doesn’t give’r free reign to see your tits.
18.Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They
are both dogs.
I believe Goofy is like Gonzo and isn’t so much of a specific animal but a cartoon amalgamate.
19.If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Testy.
20.If corn oil is made of corn, & vegetable oil is made of vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
Petroleum jelly, herbal remedies, lard, and industrial scents. What would YOU call it?
21.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I can’t find anything either wryly technical or reverse on the pun to respond to this one. Touche, list.
22.Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Nope.
—DiB
If a tree falls in the forest and hits a woman, how did the forest get in the kitchen?
“Did you know that nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape?”
Was that supposed to be a joke?
@Nightshift
Yes.
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,
as well as current market conditions and a few trillion dollars in bailouts
for some corporations, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned
off.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
I was walking down a street the other night. A guy came out from a doorway. He asked me, “have you seen a policeman?”. I answered “no”. He said “stick ’em up!”
Son: What’s that Daddy (pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower).
Daddy: That’s where mummy was hit by an axe, that’s her axe wound.
Son: Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt.
good one pedja
*You just got to love the Brits.
**
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked
the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious
teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the
prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the
music of the infidel.
**
**The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab
and opened the door.
**
**The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "
**
**The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no
taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.*
DADA WEATHERMAN
The other day I was—no, that wasn’t me.