For reasonable prices on fauz-ass surgery call 1-800-Baby-Gang
What’s up, Neh! Haven’t seen you for awhile….. um… I soaked a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(standing teary eyed on an upturned milk crate in front of the computer screen, holding the golden pineapple aloft to the sky) — “Thank you for this award. Recognition is everything for a struggling absmurd. It wasn’t easy getting here> many years of work and moments of self-doubt. I’d like to thank God, but my cellphone plan doesn’t cover the Elysian Fields. God, if you are reading this… install a mast or something. I know it’s in your power. Unless I got my wires crossed, and you’re not really God, but just some guy in Kentucky with a long white beard smeared with ketchup, reading out loud from apocryphal texts stained with droplets of root beer. In which case, I’d like to thank the root beer divining ketchup-redneck in Kentucky who claims to be God and never picks up my messages. You do a damn fine impression. I take inspiration from that. So should we all.”
Help! I can’t see anything with my eyes closed!
if sunglasses darken the area when it’s bright out…
i want moonglasses to lighten the area when it’s dim.
30,000 pantless monkies… oh, what do I do?
P, P, P, Pantless
Are these all inside jokes and I’m just like, on the outside?
Did I just ruin this thread by not posting something nonsensical?
Am I going to get kicked out?
Me and Elmo got arrested for cutting our toenails in public. I tried to explain to the sheriff we just wanted to play leap frog. He didn’t buy it.
James Hong puked on my couch. Elmo just watched him. It was truly unacceptable behaviour.
Fucking Elmo screws everything up. He has led to the stereotyping of big yellow birds.
i can taste my tongue
My camel filled his hump with tongue. Good for long journeys… or so I’ve been told, my camel never takes me anywhere anymore.
They say tongue is more effective for the stamina of the camel.
But it really it just makes them fucking lazy.
God, I hate platypus….
Or is it platypi?
Does tongue taste like tongue, or does taste tongue like taste?
QUEST i ON
if you had to choose
everyone being nice to you
everyone being honest with you
the rest of your life
which would you choose?
I would choose everyone having sex with me.
David, you would be really sore after like two days. You remember the tongue from Kung Pow? He seemed nice, I’d choose him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to give a mosquito brain surgery?
Kung Pow tongue=x?
Actually…that is true!!!
Unless the walrus was incorrect…
What exactly are you giving a mosquito brain surgery?
ME: No, I won’t do that. It’s against every principle I’ve spent my life upholding
THEY: But you have to be realistic. There is no way you can achieve this. It’s just never been done, and there’s a reason for that. Economic forces dictate that you will fail.
ME: Economic forces are not solid blocks of conscious energy. They do not have willpower, inspiration, joy, vision. They are the by-product of willpower, inspiration, joy, vision. At their most powerful, they are the by-product of collective human genius.
THEY: So you are telling us you are a genius?
ME: Genius is not a thing in and of itself. It is an immanence. It’s another by-product of human willpower, inspiration, joy, vision. And it is strongest when its seed is a collective vision.
THEY: So you seem to be saying that we understand neither economics nor genius. That’s somewhat arrogant of you, isn’t it?
ME: Arrogance is a perception that the weak have of the inspired and willful.
THEY: I think this conversation is over.
ME: My point exactly. It was over the moment you asked me to sell myself out.
The mosquito flew into my hand and sustained massive head injuries. Always trust the walrus, David, always.
T that doesn’t sound meaningless at all, in fact that sounds very substantive.
It was an abs(m)urd moment. Thought I’d record it.
I once spoke to God. He told me, “No one likes a grumpy cripple.” I have no idea what He meant, that was an abs(m)urd moment.
A note of interest for the trivia buffs (written in stream of consciousness):
Kenny G once shaved his head and placed the contents in a cardboard box and sold it as Kenny’s Gee’s Cereal I bought a box and found it smooth and relaxing but ultimately pretentious annoying and hairy not something I would buy again which is probably why his hair is so long nowadays no one wanted to buy his lackluster cereal although I don’t know who’s buying his lackluster music or is it mew-zak-kaaa one of my local TV stations runs a smooth jazz program but it’s odd it only highlights animals that have been taught to play smooth jazz by their owners they had this dolphin on that played the clarinet and it reminded me very much of Woody Allen’s films I think he was actually playing something from George Gershwin so that was probably why someday I would like to move to Manhattan but I hear its very expensive and would worry that my camel wouldn’t be able to afford the added cost of living he never graduated high school and he’s not in good shape right now he’s always asking me for money and just being a real bothersome camel and what with inflation and such I don’t think he would be able to make the trip with me which would be a damn shame I would imagine the Sahara desert would be very inhospitable I don’t know if there is anything abs(m)urd about this but I think it’s a valid observation message me if you read this entire thing and I shall give you a prize
Mon oncle est un chat.
“hey, there’s something floating in your mouth…
…swallow that out.”
BELATED 2009 ABSMURD STATUETTES ~ the Afterparty
the Best Delivery of a Second Question in a Series of Two Questions Award goes to…
“You think both me and Vaseline come in vats? This is what you think?”
the Straight-Up G Breakin’ It Down with Some Spontaneous Phat Beats R&B Award goes to…
“P, P, P, Pantless”
I don’t want my brain warshed.