Oh, were you referring to the part about how I think my daughter may be less secure? If so, are you saying she’s partly manipulating us?
I know that my daughter can be this way, but I think my son does this, too—maybe in different ways, but basically, I think trying to get what you want and get the easy way out-including via manipulation—are part of human nature. What age did you notice this? I’d say at least by two or somewhere thereabouts, they would both do some of this. But then it’s not always easy to tell when they’re manipulating or it’s a genuine issue.
No there’s a difference. At almost 6, my daughter acts like a toddler sometimes. This is the same thing with my friend whose daughter is the same age but the oldest. I’ve talked to other mothers and they agree, there’s a difference with girls temperamentally.
Talk to some other parents and see what they say.
That girls are more insecure, will act more childishly because of this? I’ll check with some other parents.
My observation is that my daughter demands more emotionally from me than my son does. My son is a lot more mellow about this sort of thing — he likes attention, but when he asks for it it’s not in the “RIGHT NOW” way that my daughter does. He got over that sort of behavior at like, 4. My daughter has her moments of “I’m fine leave me alone,” but has gone through ever increasingly “attached at the hip” behavior since she’s gotten older — the reverse of my son. My friend says the same thing about her two, and her son is considerably younger than mine.
It’s very weird. But we’re always like, “God…” when we talk about what we go through every day…
Maybe dads don’t get that kind of pull though…
Kids are way better at finding angles than parents realize. They are very good at figuring out “If I do this, I get this result”, and will test the boundaries quite deliberately and consciously.
^ HELL YES.
They are smart little MOFOs.
Good survival instincts, I guess.
My observation is that my daughter demands more emotionally from me than my son does.
That’s true in my case, too, only I suspect this has to do with the differences in how we treated them. I hope I’m wrong about this.
I don’t think I treat my daughter differently from my son. I give them both TONS of affection and they are both well aware. It’s just that they like it so much that they always want MORE of it. :)
Don’t feel guilty Jazz. It’s not your son’s fault that he was born first, and got a certain kind of attention that was different from when your daughter was born. On the other hand, she is the baby, and that’s a whole other potential of favoritism right there.
You can’t feel guilty, you do the best you can and it’s just important that your kids know that you love them both dearly. And you try really hard to help them and take care of them. You are human too, just like they are.
That’s nice of you to say, and you valid points.
So I went against Santino’s advice and went to see We Need to Talk About Kevin. I think it’s actually a brilliant cautionary tale that all prospective parents need to see. I’m very happy I saw it. I know many people see the film as a “bad seed” and think Kevin is a natural born psycho but I think that’s a deep misreading of the film. He’s so clearly the unintentional consequences of the frustration and anger of Tilda Swinton’s Eva (and his own complete identification with her).
t’s not only her complete inability to bond with her child (although we see that from the first moment he’s born), it’s her resentment of his entire existence (that she sees the child as “manipulative” even as a baby is case in point – babies can’t manipulate – they’re babies) but also her deep frustration caused by her feeling that having a child has ruined her life – her dreams of being a “great adventurer” and traveling the world, her desire to stay in New York City and not move to the suburbs, etc. It’s all very subtly done but in a brilliant way. Anyway, I think that’s an important point. Many parents have kids but then resent having kids because they force them to make compromises otherwise in their life and takes them away from their dream visions of their life. Children very easily pick up on this resentment. I guess these are pretty important impulses to be aware of but also to fight against.
@ Matt, now I am curious to read the novel. You recommend it? How does it differ from the film?
“How does it differ from the film?”
The biggest formal difference is that the book is an epistolary novel, letters from Eva written to Franklin after Kevin’s imprisonment looking back on everything that led up to that point. But also, I think the novel does a somewhat better job of maintaining a tension between the two possible rationalizations for what happens (Kevin is either “born bad” or his relationship with his mother leaves him psychologically malformed) . . . in part by giving you hints about Eva’s relationship with her own mother.
^ interesting, Ari and Matt.
Yes, kids pick up on everything. Don’t you remember being a kid and being annoyed that adults thought you were somehow not getting it?
Something to keep in mind, remember when you were a kid when you’re raising your own.
And yes, babies are not manipulative. So, no need to let them “cry themselves to sleep,” as the old advice goes.
I never did that to my own.