This story is in development… I’m on the fence about continuing to augment and adjust it, because I’m not 100% sure it’s finished, but I also don’t want to overwrite or undermine what I’m shooting for.
I thought I would solicit feedback from Mubi Garage!
Here’s the screenplay in its current state: Snuffed After a Slow Drag
I mention a song that I expect to use to set the tone. That can be heard here: Grandpa Musselman on MySpace
@Jesse M I would just like to point out a format mistake with your screenplay. At some of the ends of the pages of the screenplay, you have the characters name at the bottom, but the dialog that follows is on the next page. You should carry over the character’s name onto the next page. Also, for some reason, I couldn’t get to the end of the screenplay.
Yeah, that’s a side-effect of the web application I used to create and export it (fivesprockets.com). This is my first attempt at a screenplay, so if that’s the only format mistake you’re seeing, I’m fairly happy. I’ll fix this issue if I intend to submit it anywhere.
I didn’t mention… this is a short I’m planning to shoot myself, around my neighborhood in Brooklyn, getting as much traction as possible out of almost no funds whatsoever. That’s why it’s so modest in terms of scope and location.
I like the way everything essentially works out. But you mentioned that you didn’t want to overwrite and I think you did specifically where the two roomates are talking about these ‘stalkerish’ goings on. I had already assumed that this was going on when you first showed what was going on in the begining and reiterating on a givin assumption kind of put down your own artistic ability in showcasing a story without saying what is actually happening.
I don’t know what you think but that how I feel. Otherwise I like how it ends up. I can really see how it all works.
Thanks, Tommy, I’ll take a look at that. Perhaps the dialogue there could stand to be a little more organic and/or less expository.
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I don’t really know what to think about the script other than maybe you should lay off the camera movements and editing shenanigans until the shooting script. For now, focus on telling your story. Also, I too believe in CeltX.
i’m not sure if it get exactly what you’re going for but i liked it. some of the dialogue is a bit too expository, both the fishermen at the beginning and the arnet thing, both reinforcing perot’s action. i felt like you could express the same idea by the fishermen sharing a look.
further i wasn’t necessarily clear on the underlying relationship b/t perot and arnet. are they merely roommates or was I supposed to pick up on sexual tension? they have a very domestic arrangement but appear to be just friends.
finally, you lost me a little at the very end w/ the parallel cutting of perot going to the bench. is it supposed to be 2 different times or is he just a few steps/moments behind august? since you’re making this yourself it’s more important that you understand how you’re shooting it but you might consider clarifying it on the page if only for your cast/crew.
overall it reads well though. look forward to seeing it
also, i use/recommend final draft, but it isn’t free.
I know it’s been like a year. Just thought I’d throw it out there that the final product is online (it’s been finished for like 8 months months now).
I totally didn’t take any of the advice above — got too involved in the rest of the production process — and I should have, some of the writing could really use the edits mentioned above. Nonetheless, it was a fun project, and a useful exercise in bringing all the elements together. Thanks for looking at it, guys!