Any Natalie Portman film; the exception being Leon the Professional. I could watch The Professional twice a day. She’s a great actress but she tends to choose films that suck or are mediocre at best.
The jason friedberg/aaron seltzer catalog is pretty nightmarish, that would probably be my first choice, that or any ridley scott film after blade runner. Oh, wait, clerks 2. Few things have made me wish for death like clerks 2.
“The Tin Drum”
Once to be heard, twice to be had.
Waiting for McQueen’s Hunger to start last night, the woman sitting behind me chewed and crinkled so loudly that if I had not moved it would have been movie hell.
Been there, Ellie. Why do they even sell nachos in movie theaters? Mother of Christ, that infernal crunching. Home video has all but ruined the moviegoing experience, as patrons – believing they’re still in their family room – see fit to jabber incessantly, text obliviously and telegraph plot points with all the subtlety of semaphore. I soooo don’t want to give up on watching films in that warm, anonymous embrace of a theater audience, but I’m getting closer with every ticket I buy.
No surprise here: Salo.
Having to sit thru the entire catalog of Godard. Or Adam Sandler.
Anything with a gun, anything with anyone in a uniform, any kind of violence, anything louder than conversation, anything with a helicopter, anything with a computer that says Access Denied, anything with a racial minority who is there solely for political correctness, anything with fast cuts, any American film made in the past thirty years.
The Matrix!!! It was so boring I fell asleep, to me that is pure shite filmmaking. Also anything like Transformers, absolutey no intelligence in that poor excuse for a plot. OH and Will Ferrall makes me cringe, excpet Superstar(well only because I love Molly Shannon)and Stranger than Fiction.
“…Godard. Or Adam Sandler”. — LOL at the nice juxtaposition, Steve.
Kids kicking the back of the seat.
People putting their crappy shoes on the backs of seats, like it’s a deck chair
Nachos with attached cheese glob in a plastic container.
Staff who act like Comic Book man in The Simpsons.
Films out of focus, not framed correctly.
People chatting on mobiles inanely; same with blatant text messaging, even when holding the phone down by your side.
An empty cinema, and someone comes and sits in the same row as you.
Endless ads for things I don’t want or don’t need.
No air conditioning
Audiences reading subtitles like mentally challenged people learning to form sentences for the first time and then getting a dumb kick out of blurting the words out.
People who laugh like a donkey on hellium.
People who laugh inappropriately, thus killing the mood/atmosphere.
Jodorowsky’s El Topo, Larry Clark’s Kids, movies with Jennifer Aniston, Sarah Jessica Parker, or Kate Hudson, while obnoxious tweens three rows ahead of me are texting, snickering, laughing and throwing crap, while a couple of people in the back keep talking out loud in a language other than the common language, interpreting for someone who keeps asking “what happened?” in their language.
Having to watch even a single second of that fowl wretched piece of horse s*** spewed onto film by German nazis, “Nekromantik”.
Crash on a continuous loop, occasionally broken by Paul Haggis popping up to explain at great length just how such and such a scene demonstrates that racism is bad. You know, just in case I’m a bit dimwitted and can’t work it out myself.
Didn’t any one mention the masterpieces of Uwe Boll? Shame on you!
And of course, the films of those two guys. Meet the spartans, disaster movie, etc. Something that is in all of them is Carmen Electra coming out of nowhere and trying to look sexy. Like getting her tongue out of his mouth or stuff. It makes me think of suicide.
Andrew, I agree heartily on these:
-Films out of focus, not framed correctly.
-An empty cinema, and someone comes and sits in the same row as you. (I would add: uncomfortably close to you)
-Audiences reading subtitles
I can block out chewing but talking annoys the s**t out of me. And a poorly lit or out-of-whack frame is inexcusable. That’s the core of their business.
All the Best Picture Biopics from the last 15 years (ex: A BEAUTIFUL MIND) followed by Kate Hudson’s filmography.
I Am Legend
Not being able to see anything I haven’t seen before. And the Chumscrubber, this movie made my head want to explode and left me with an awful headache.
seeing Oliver stones Alexander in the ultra conservative center of utah, Provo opening night- with an audience expecting lord of the rings not that that’s not a good movie , and snickering everytime you think that colin ferral and jared Leto are gonna just rush and kiss eachother, which is alot of snickering. that was the worst movie going experience of my life .
Going into a multiplex and every single theatre is showing Irreversible or something like it. Then I would be in Hell (or at least not in Kansas anymore).
Stale popcorn? Incorrectly timed laughter? Texting? David Lynch? You call that movie hell? May I introduce to you a guy named Joel, not too different than you or me…
1 – Don’t know if this actually exists, but if it has two terminally ill, mentally and physically handicapped children, who are a boyfriend and girlfriend, and they fall in love, before one of them dies, that would be it.
Pretty much anything in that overall “dying child” genre, and there’s plenty of that around, and it’s all diabolical and unholy.
2 – Considerably less emotionally offensive, but musicals based on semi-serious, obscure rock operas can be powerfully excruciating as well.
3 – If a nun sings, get the hell out of there, and fast – something might rub off on you.
4 – Most – not all – but most things billed as ‘gay independent cinema.’ Since when have the body politics and sexual aesthetics of Nazi propaganda films been something worthy of emulation? At least outside of the strange cinematic ghetto of Ilsa, She Wolf Of The S.S. type exploitation flicks?
5 – Any documentary that preaches at me, even when I agree with the politics. Personally, I think preaching to converts is uncomfortably self-congratgulatory, usually a waste of breath and energy, and if I wanted to hear a sermon, I’d go to church.