Any movie that Nicolas Cage is in; with the exception of Raising Arizona, and Adaptation. Or an endless repetition of Dane Cook’s filmography.
When I wear shorts to the movie theater and it’s really quite cold.
A marathon of Mexican “sexicomedies” or blaxploitation films. I’m not racist at all, but that kind of stereotype filled movies just makes me wanna kill myself, and I mean, I don’t think all black people behave the same, right?
A horrifying double feature of Robert Zemeckis’ BEOWULF and Zack Snyder’s warnographic monstrosity 300, with the only slightly less tasteful Mel Gibson’s nighmare THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST as a special Satanic-chaser.
Anything with Adam Sandler or Rob Schneider in it.
A double feature of GREASE and the original TEXAS CHAIN MASSACRE.
A US torture/horror movie. Anything from the Saw or Hostel franchises is especially painful to sit though — not because of the aforementioned torture content, but for the torture of watching what the 18-24 demographic generally considers to be a “great movie.”
A continuous loop of the crap that Michael Bay has either directed or produced. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
Well, there’s two kinds of hell: on-screen and in-theatre.
When things go wrong, movie-wise, for me it’s mainly in-theatre. The following applies the times I have gone to some of the big commercial films, which doesn’t happen very often:
You have found, to your relief, that it is NOT a digital file but real film (even though theatres advertize when it is digi, but you know…)
Some huge fat thing squeezes into the seat next to you (inevitably armed with lots of snacks.) Ok, so now it’s a bit like being on an airplane, since there are no 2 seats left to which to flee . Then in come The Creatures From The Planet ‘Duh’; the endlessly texting teens for whom every word said is hilarious and worthy of blasts of giggles. Sneakers up on seatbacks, of course and cellphones at the ready.
Sadder than them, however, are the 20-somethings going on 13. Loudly talking, using expressions as follow: “I was, like, so”…..et.cetera, and ’He was SOOOO busted"…..they should sit with the aforementioned teens; they seem to be soulmates. They carry on all through the previews.
We get to the feature, the lights go down…..and here come the folks who just can’t seem to arrive on-time. They spot a seat or two, and of course have to grope their way down our isle in the dark, ruining the opening of the film.
Oh, and at about reel two or three, the gate of the projector is now hot enough that it tends to need that little focus tweak so the center of the image doesn’t lose absolute sharpness. But of course, that is ignored. Because our projectionist is tending to 4 other theatres at the same time. I suppose the only good thing about the platter systems in the booths is that we are spared the sight of missed changeovers on a regular basis.
Can you tell I don’t much like watching films in theatres anymore? It’s sad, because no video can beat a good print on a well-maintained projector in a nice theatre. Now, if only we could have a well-maintained audience to match…
I am thinking cronenberg, and that Lars Von Trier’s movie Dancer in the Dark Bjork was good but movie was hell.
I’m going to have to agree with Ron about Michael Bay.
Agree with ROBERT.
And add to that all those spoof films by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer – Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie.
Almost any Hollywood movie put out this millenium – they are pure movie hell. They are so predictable, the emotional triggers just make me feel kind of sick, and they go on an on…ad literally nauseum. Even the popcorn starts to taste stale before they are over. Hell would truly be a place where you would go to the multipex and that was all they were showing! (Hmmm, sounds like real life in the ‘burbs’).
Robin Williams
Sarah Jessica Parker
The ‘torture porn’ films (Hostel, Hills Have Eyes, Friday the 13th etc,)
Personally I think Almodovar is one of the great film makers of our time.
Little Nicky
anything by that hack scorsese, or the piece of shit that is antoinini. worse yet, the slow suck fest that is Francis Coppola. id die twice if it was anything by Mellville. god forbid i have to sit through Darron Arronofsky… also jarmusch can suck my ass. hehe. whos heart dropped? im only kidding… but really… a lot of tim burtons work just annoys me…
Good one, STEPHEN.
A feature on stupid parody movies like all the Scary Movies, Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc
Most action films just devolve into rapid-fire machine guns and I just lose focus. Better than Ambien for sleep disorders.
Any film by Spaz Blurrman…(talk about down under)
The Roland Emmerich Film Festival
2 Words: “Mamma Mia!”
Plus, every movie that shoves a glorified ad in your face. “Iron Man” really needs to scarf Whopper! And we have to actually see it. Plus, the fate of earth is decided in Mickey D’s on “The Day the Earth Stood Still”? Give a break! (No, not of your Kit Kat Bar! See? This product placement thing is soul damaging)
And Almodovar’s “Talk to Her” is a classic. For those in the know.
i didnt think anyone would buy it after the arronofsky comment. halright
Watching a Quentin Tarantino feature is akin to having my cerebellum squeezed into the lotus position and having his many sources play back while I wonder why I’m watching this.
Madagascar, followed by a DV independent horror film marathon.
The voice “talents” of Chris Rock and Ben Stiller in combination with the angular, neon, eye-bleeding visuals of that CGI atrocity would have me burrowing under my seat after two screenings, never mind an eternity.
The indie horror film marathon would be like drinking a yard of sewage, a kind of sickening non-respite in between the claw hammer blow of each Madagascar showing.
Uwe Bolle Film Festival. Capped off with a 4 AM screening of Cheaper By The Dozen followed by a Q&A with Shawn Levy and Hillary Duff
Nessa L.
anything with Jessica Alba, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston followed by a marathon of Harry Potter and Twilight with the theater full of HP & Robert Pattinson freaks