Dear Sleazegeek,

I like you, and have tried to be friends with you (on and off) for years now, which has been incredibly unsuccessful. Not only do you not reciprocate any feelings I might have for you, but I don’t even think you like me as a person very much. That’s up to you of course. Anyway, it hurts my feelings, and frankly I don’t need any more of that right now. I don’t particularly like myself very much as it is, and often your disinterest and aloofness is very bad for my low self-esteem.

Love,
Mum