I don't care: opening titles are scored by my all-time favorite song by Major Lazer 'Get Free' (feat. Amber Coffman of Dirty Projectors) which has been my cell ringtone for years and years and it ends with Sleigh Bells > oh ace! Punchlines segwayin' into punchlines. Ana de Armas and Daddario must do a bright eyes contest, seriously. Those eyes!*jaw drops*The film is dope as fuck, hilarious chilled and a fun fun fest
Sometimes so close to being funny but often so far away from being even remotely amusing, Baywatch is an ass-numbing slog that offers little besides tiresome banter between Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron. The sexualization is cloying, the homoerotic jokes are uninspired, and the film mistakes action spectacle for comic value more than a few times. A reimagining of a campy TV show shouldn't be this joyless.
Dwayne Johnson manages to invoke his overwhelming charisma to a seeming dud of a concept (with all the regressive connotations of its brand) and add enough tongue-in-cheek self-deprecation to make it socially inclusive entertainment. About as high-brow as a tabloid, but far more palatable than such a comparison.
I didn't hate everything as much as I expected, but the parts I did hate (which was most of it) are the kinds of things that make me want to kill myself. The narrative closure between the straight couples is not marriage (the conservative conservatism) but the women agreeing to fuck the men (very much in the sense of a conquest)--the new conservatism. I hate Zac Efron as a movie star and so should you.
So violently pedestrian and tonally scattershot, I created my own narrative to keep myself occupied: Johnson is actually secretly filmed (Bowfinger-style) preparing, training and casting for a fictional better Baywatch movie we never see, trying vainly to save the disastrous film from evil foreign investment. Hasselhoff's cameo is then a fit of madness, a pique of deep despair - just like watching this.