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millennial self-Portrait: everything I've ever seen, in order

by Joe Girard
millennial self-Portrait: everything I've ever seen, in order by Joe Girard
The Last Castle (Oct. 2001) marks the start of the first period of perfect order, which ended with Pink Floyd’s The Wall (Jan. 2003). I realized I had begun to finish movies I was hating simply to add them to the list. And having reached 1000 titles, I felt that was good enough, for bragging rights, or whatever I was after with that number. But once I began working for the city library in 2005, I began to see so much that, at the start of 2007, I thought it would help me keep track of everything, and I’ve been keeping a perfect chronicle (with a few minor omissions) ever since. Eventually, circa 2017, I decided to do an exhaustive search… Czytaj więcej

The Last Castle (Oct. 2001) marks the start of the first period of perfect order, which ended with Pink Floyd’s The Wall (Jan. 2003). I realized I had begun to finish movies I was hating simply to add them to the list. And having reached 1000 titles, I felt that was good enough, for bragging rights, or whatever I was after with that number. But once I began working for the city library in 2005, I began to see so much that, at the start of 2007, I thought it would help me keep track of everything, and I’ve been keeping a perfect chronicle (with a few minor omissions) ever since. Eventually, circa 2017, I decided to do an exhaustive search through my past to try to identify all the old weird shows and nature documentaries we watched as kids, and to rebuild, from my best recollections, as exact a chronology of the periods outside these perfect accountings as possible. As I’ve been building this list into MUBI, I’ve been having little realizations about certain films being inaccurate give or take a year, but, seriously, who gives a fuck? This list is bonkers, deeply personal, and probably an early warning sign of some terrifying psychopathy in my future. Enjoy!

First Films by Year
1988: Bambi; 1989: Harvey; 1990: The Wizard of Oz; 1991: Invasion of the Body Snatchers; 1992: The Time Machine (‘60); 1993: Frankenstein (’31); 1994: Christine; 1995: 2001: A Space Odyssey; 1996: Alien; 1997: Planet of the Apes; 1998: All Quiet on the Western Front; 1999: The Jazz Singer (‘27); 2000: Plan 9 from Outer Space; 2001: The Terror (’63); 2002: Gosford Park; 2003: Following; 2004: Pirates of the Caribbean; 2005: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; 2006: Batman Begins; 2007: The Fog of War; 2008: Gates of Heaven; 2009: Guns, Germs and Steel (Not on MUBI); 2010: Pontypool; 2011: Flight of the Conchords; 2012: Super 8; 2013: Paranorman; 2014: The Hunt; 2015: The Zero Theorum; 2016: The Revenant; 2017: American Crime Story; 2018: Mothra; 2019: Who Is America?

Significant Films for Me:
First film I remember seeing: The Secret of NIMH (1987)
Film I’ve seen more than any other: The Princess Bride (circa ‘90/’91 — over 500 times)
First film I saw with my wife: Reservoir Dogs (2005)
First film after moving away from home: Grizzly man (2007)
First film after moving away from my home town: The X-Files: I Want to Believe (2008)
First film after moving to Vancouver: Grave Encounters (2014)
First film after starting work for a major theatre chain: Unfriended (2015)
Last film I ever watched with my mom: Maleficent (2018)
First film after she passed: Mary and the Witch’s Flower (2018)

Films Not On MUBI
1. Grendel, Grendel, Grendel (1981); 2. Mr. Bill’s Real Life Adventures; 3. NOVA (74); 4. The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show; 5. The Price is Right; 6. Merry Melodies; 7. Jonny Quest (86); 8. Jonny Quest (64); 9. The Edison Twins (82); 10. Snorks (84); 11. Under the Umbrella Tree (86); 12. Today’s Special (81); 13. My Three Sons; 14. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle; 15. The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour (67); 16. Mr. Ed; 17. Schoolhouse Rock! (73); 18. Wheel of Fortune (83); 19. Love Connection; 20. Star Search; 21. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous; 22. What’s My Line?; 23. 60 Minutes; 24. Punky Brewster (84); 25. Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color (54); 26. The Johnny Carson Show; 27. Casper; 28. The Hollywood Squares; 29. Reading Rainbow; 30. Polka Dot Door; 31. Captain Kangaroo; 32. Mr. Dressup; 33. Mr. Roger’s Neighbourhood; 34. Family Feud; 35. Centurions (86); 36. Spiderman (67); 37. The World of Strawberry Shortcake (80); 38. Wuzzles (85); 39. The Berenstain Bears (85); 40. Late Night with David Letterman (82);; 41. Square One Television (87); 42. The Tracey Ullman Show (87); 43. Bumper Stumpers (87); 44. The Ray Bradbury Theater (85); 45. America’s Most Wanted (88) ;46. Garfield and Friends (88) ;47. American Gladiators (89); 48. Kidstreet (89); 49. Rescue 911 (89); 50. America’s Funniest Home Videos (89); 51. The Smoggies (89); 52. The California Raisins; 53. Blackadder Goes Forth (89); 54. Bobby’s World (90); 55. Samurai Pizza Cats (90); 56. Get a Life (90); 57. Wings (90); 58. Supermarket Sweep (90); 59. Sharky & George (90); 60. Candid Camera (91); 61. Sightings (91); 62. Taz-Mania (91); 63. Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? (91); 64. Video & Arcade Top 10 (91); 65. Bump in the Night (94); 66. The Tick (94); 67. Street Sharks (94); 68. Insektors (94); 69. The Sex O’Clock News; 70. Sticks and Stones: Investigating the Blair Witch; 71. Scariest Places on Earth (00); 72. FreakyLinks (00); 73. History’s Mysteries: Amityville: Horror or Hoax (00); 74. TV Funhouse (00); 75. Down, Out and Dangerous; 76. Radiohead: 7 Television Commercials (98); 77. Reboot: My Two Bobs (01); 78. Charlie Rose (91); 79. Tool; 80. Touch (02); 81. Speak Like A Child; 82. REM: This Film Is On; 83. SNL Best Will Ferrell 2; 84. Mugen no rivaiasu (Infinite Ryvius) (99); 85. SNL: Best of Tom Hanks; 86. Scrapped Princess; 87. The Late Great Planet Earth (79); 88. The Daily Show: Indecision 2004; 89. SNL: Best of Alec Baldwin; 90. Origins (14/06)?; 91. Scrabylon (03); 92. Noam Chomsky: Distorted Morality (03); 93. God, Save Our King!; 94. Drunk History (07); 95. Be A Pilot!; 96. Reflexology Massage; 97. Gustavo Benedetto ; 98. Fire the Director; 99. How’s Your News?; 100. 30 Days; 101.Ring of Fire; 102. Infant Massage: The Power of Touch; 103. Zero: The Truth of 9/11; 104. Soldiers in the Army of God; 105. The Best of Stephen Colbert; 106. Oh Mikey! (The Fuccons) (04); 107. Guns, Germs, and Steel; 108. With God On Our Side; 109. Hungu; 110. Jump; 111. Lymphatic Massage: The Face; 112. The Hockey Sweater; 113. Anniversary; 114. Origins (NOVA) ; 115. Comic Books Unbound; 116. Disconnected; 117. The Cartoonist; 118. There Will Be Brawl; 119. Nobelity; 120. Mendelssohn’s Spring Song; 121. Monkey Doodle; 122. The Hobo Hero; 123. Kool Penguins; 124. Wonder Bakers At the World Fair; 125. Ford Animated Commercials; 126. Shell Oil/Brookfield Butter; 127. Korn Plastered In Africa; 128. PM Picnic; 129. Goofy Goat; 130. Toddy Commercials; 131. Monsters Do Have Their Place; 132. No Fare; 133. Easy Does It!; 134. Cultoons! Rare, Lost, and Strange Cartoons; 135. Body Worlds; 136. Wal-Town; 137. Big Rig; 138. No Grades + No Homework = Better Learning; 139. Project Disclosure; 140. Pucker Up; 141. Frost/Nixon; 142. Corporations in the Classroom; 143. Measure; 144. Off the Grid with Les Stroud; 145. A Village Trilogy; 146. Cornered; 147. Contrecoup; 148. Uganda Rising; 149. Crazy Glue; 150. The Phantom Museum; 151. The Vaccine War; 152. Quinoa; 153. Middle Sexes; 154. Drum Beat; 155. Star and Flower; 156. Loneliness; 157. Variants; 158. The Rescue; 159. Seven Rights of the Viewer; 160. Mr. Daff Is Shooting a Film; 161. Video Game Invasion; 162. Funny or Die Presents… (10); 163. The Human Face; 164. Ride the Divide; 165. The Edge of Never; 166. Street Music; 167. Car Bomb; 168. Crawford; 169. Unconditional Parenting ;170. The Eyes of Me; 171. Resolved;172. Into the Maelstrom;173. The Hollywood Librarian;174. Alice in Wonderland: A Dance; 175. The Scary Movie; 176. flight; 177. Japanese-English Pictionary; 178. Kid’s Castle; 179. The Country Doctor; 180. A Movie Lover’s Guide to Film Language; 181. Moguls and Movie Stars: A History of Hollywood; 182. Nikola Tesla: Let There Be Light; 183. Escape from Suburbia; 184. Berlin; 185. Wonder Showzen; 186. Spirits (Oan hon); 187. Fagbug; 188. With God on our Side (10); 189. Whale Wars; 190. Neshoba (08); 191. My Boyfriend’s Package (short); 192. Surviving the Future; 193. Can We Make It To Mars? ; 194. Nurse. Fighter. Boy.; 195. The Pick-Up Artist; 196. Shaolin: The Wheel of Time; 197. European Rest Cure; 198. How a French Nobleman Got A Wife…; 199. The Ex-Convict; 200. Scarecrow Plump; 201. Anti-Race Suicide; 202. Cupid’s Pranks; 203. New York of Today; 204. How Bumptious Papered the Parlour; 205. Thirty Days At Hard Labour; 206. The Passer-By; 207. The Totville Eye; 208. The Public and Private Care of Infants; 209. An Unsullied Shield; 210. All On Account of a Transfer; 211. One Touch of Nature; 212. The Adventure of the Hasty Elopement; 213. The Wonders of Magnetism; 214. Black Eyes; 215. The Long Game; 216. The Unbeliever; 217. At Bear Track Gulch; 218. The Ambassador’s Daughter; 219. A Serenade By Proxy; 220. Cockfight, no. 2; 221. Glenroy Brothers, no. 2; 222. Louis Martinetty; 223. Robetta and Doretto, No. 2; 224. Amy Muller; 225. The John C. Rice – May Irwin Kiss; 226. Shooting the Chutes; 227. Fatima, Muscle Dancer; 228. Mess call; 229. Inventor Edison Sketched by World Artist; 230. Watermelon Eating Contest; 231. The Lone Fisherman; 232. Interrupted Lovers; 233. Black Diamond Express, no. 1; 234. American Falls no. 1, American Side; 235. The First Sleigh Ride; 236. The Morning Alarm; 237. Fifth Avenue, New York; 238. Mr. Edison At Work in his Chemical Laboratory; 239. Return of Lifeboat; 240. Troop Ships for the Phillipines; 241. US Troops Landing at Daiquiri, Cuba; 242. Fireman Rescuing Men and Women; 243. A Wringing Good Joke; 244. Gold Rush Scenes in the Klondike; 245. Capture of Boer Battery By British; 246. New Black Diamond Express; 247. Watermelon Contest; 248. A Storm At Sea; 249. High Diving Scene; 250. Photographing A Country Couple; 251. Burlesque Suicide, no. 2; 252. Egyptian Fakir with Dancing Monkey; 253. A Scrap in Black and White; 254. Turning the Tables; 255. Rector’s To Claremont; 256. The Iroquois Speak Out for Mother Earth; 257. The Pig Farm; 258. Beyond the Light Switch; 259. Whale Warrior; 260. The Art of Mixing; 261. 9500 Liberty; 262. Critical Condition; 263. Blue Planet IMAX; 264. Burzynski (1); 265. Not Your Typical Bigfoot Movie; 266. Worst In Show; 267. The Execution of Wanda Jean; 268. The First Year; 269. The Codes of Gender; 270. A Painter’s Odyssey; 271. Weibo’s War; 272. The Man Who Studies Murder; 273. Inside the Actor’s Studio: Leading Men; 274. How to Live Forever; 275. Nina Conti: His Master’s Voice; 276. Elephant Shoes; 277. Breathe: A Freediving Film; 278. Forming Game; 279. Rosa Rosa; 280. How People Got Fire; 281. Come Again In Spring; 282. Flutter; 283. Engine 371; 284. Invasion of the Space Lobsters; 285. Sainte Barbe; 286. IMAX: To the Arctic; 287. Three of Hearts; 288. Under the Boardwalk: The Story of Monopoly; 289. Jedi Junkies; 290. Face Off; 291. Still Mine; 292. Dinotasia; 293. Mr. Conservative; 294. One Day On Earth; 295. Griefwalker; 296. Erlang: A Chinese Folktale; 297. Fire Child: A Chinese Folktale; 298. Kubrick’s Odyssey; 299. Kubrick’s Odyssey II; 300. Don’t You Forget About Me; 301. Pandas in the Wild; 302. Galapogos; 303. Emma Goldman; 304. Strongman; 305. War on Whistleblowers; 306. Life Inside Out; 307. Aquarius: Living Beneath the Sea; 308. True Romance: The Tarantino Cut; 309. Burzynski 2; 310. Flying Saucar Mystery; 311. Read On! From Left to Right; 312. Behave Bernard; 313. Study Skills – Verbal Communication; 314. Magical Disappearing Money; 315. Fun In Balloonland; 316. Best of the Worst; 317. Girl Most Likely; 318. Werner Herzog Masterclass; 319. Word to the Wives; 320. Life in the Suburbs; 321. Christmas Toyshop; 322. Santa Claus’ Punch and Judy; 323. The Night Before Christmas; 324. Santa’s Enchanted Village; 325. Santa Claus and His Helpers; 326. Santa’s Magic Kingdom; 327. Cindy Goes To A Party; 328. Friends; 329. Lemonade Stand; 330. Norman Krasner; 331. Boy of India; 332. I Believe in Santa Claus; 333. At Your Fingertips: Cylinders; 334. Alcohol Unknown; 335. Color It Clean; 336. Marriage is a Partnership; 337. A Day of Thanksgiving; 338. Clean and Neat with Harv and Marv; 339. Dining Together; 340. Eggs to Market; 341. Feelings – I’m Alone Feeling; 342. Jobs In Cosmotology; 343. The Creeps Machine; 344. Making Sense with Sentences; 345. Norman Krasner – Norman Checks In; 346. “” “” – Welcome Back Norman; 347. Willy Whistle; 348. What Is Nothing; 349. What Are Letters For?; 350. Animal Antics; 351. Starting School; 352. The Myths of Shoplifting; 353. Safety Woman – In Danger Out of Doors; 354. Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey; 355. This Is Hormel; 356. Mr. B Natural; 357. Halloween Party; 358. More Dangerous Than Dynamite; 359. Grasses; 360. Frozen Frolics; 361. Flying Stewardess; 362. Chimp the Fireman; 363. Act Your Age; 364. Aquafrolics; 365. Are All People the Same?; 366. Are You Popular; 367. Bill of Rights; 368. Buying Food; 369. Carnivorous Plants; 370. Christmas Dream; 371. Coffee House; 372. Cops Who Needs Them; 373. Cork Crashes and Curiosities; 374. Damaged Goods; 375. Don’t Be A Bloody Idiot; 376. Down and Out; 377. Drugs Are Like That; 378. Fad Diet Circus; 379. Family Teamwork; 380. Flying Stewardesses; 381. Good Eating Habits; 382. Good Health Practices; 383. Highway Mania; 384. If Mirrors Could Speak; 385. It Must Be the Neigbours; 386. Kitty Cleans Up; 387. Lunchroom Manners; 388. Monkey See, Monkey Do; 389. Moose Baby; 390. More Dangerous Than Dynamite; 391. One Got Fat; 392. Overcoming Fear; 393. Parade of Aquatic Champions; 394. Patriotism; 395. Primary Safety in Schools; 396. Right or Wrong; 397. Safety Woman: Harm: Hide at Home; 398. Self-Conscious Guy; 399. Shake Hands with Danger; 400. Skipper Learns A Lesson; 401. Snap Out of It; 402. The Terrible Truth; 403. The Trouble With Women; 404. Things Are Different Now; 405. Three Magic Words; 406. Toward Emotional Maturity; 407. Watch Out For My Plant; 408. What If We Had A Fire; 409. Whatever the Weather; 410. Why Doesn’t Cathy Eat Breakfast; 411. Why Vandalism?; 412. William’s Doll; 413. Wing Claw Fang; 414. You Can Do Something About Acne; 415. Zoology – Pigs; 416. Cooking Terms; 417. Donald Trump: A True Narcissistic Sociopath; 418. Perc! Pop! Sprinkle!; 419. Choking: To Save a Life; 420. The Talking Car; 421. More Dates for Kay; 422. Americans at Work: Barbers and Beauticians; 423. Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance; 424. The Dirt Witch Clean Up; 425. Masks of Grass; 426. What To Do On A Date; 427. Young Man’s Fancy; 428. The Days of Our Years; 429. Burn in Hell: Kevin Smith; 430. Lumiere; 431. The God Delusion; 432. The Dude Bros.; 433. The Grabowskis; 434. Eddie Murphy Raw; 435. Stargames; 436. Sam Harris: Beyond Belief; 437. Rupaul’s Drag Race; 438. Rupaul’s Drag Race All Stars; 439. Best of the Worst; 440. Wheel of the Worst; 441. Quick Cuts; 442. The Psycho-tronic Man; 443. The Chicken of Tomorrow; 444. Changing Batteries; 445. Find the One…Again; 446. Those Boobs; 447. Design for Dressing; 448. Bill Posters; 449. Uncle Jim’s Dairy Farm; 450. Last Clear Chance; 451. Body Care and Grooming; 452. Speech: Using Your Voice; 453. Snow Thrills; 455. The Home Economics Story; 456. The Singing Whale; 457. On Contact; 458. Check It Out; 459. The Water We Drink; 460. Under the Watchful Eye; 461. Trucker’s Woman; 462. Nature’s Greatest Events; 463. Nature’s Weirdest Events; 464. Once Upon a Marriage; 465. Don’t Get Angry; 466. The Litter Monster; 467. The Night Dracula Saved the World; 468. On Guard, Bunco!; 469. Is This Love?; 470. The Selling Wizard; 471. Out of This World; 472. Catching Trouble; 473. Why Do Math?; 474. Hired!; 475. Love That Car!; 476. Ramsay’s Boiling Point; 477. Haunted (2018); 478. The Hothead and the Forgetter; 479. Cindy Goes To A Party; 480. Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care of Your Own Things; 481. Farm Family in Spring; 482. The Mighty Titan; 483. Are You Listening?; 484. The Cautious Twins; 485. Play Safe; 486. The Flying Saucer Mystery; 487. Louis Theroux: African Hunting Party; 488. Law and Disorder in Johannesburg; 489. Louis Theroux: Law and Disorder in Lagos

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